I nearly died at Big Lots and then told Phil Helmuth he’s a douchebag.

During my first week in Las Vegas last year, I learned some very important things.

1. Big Lots is right across the street from the Asian Massage Parlor.

2. Emergency vehicles are yellow. This is confusing–I thought the fire engine was a tow truck and that everyone was a moron for pulling over for a stupid tow truck. The firefighters of Las Vegas are already mad at me.

3. Chris Ferguson looks like Jesus.

4. Going to Wal-Mart in Las Vegas is as terrible as going to Wal-Mart in St. Louis.

5. Everything in this town is an adventure.

Adventure #1: Near Death at Big Lots and Wal-Mart

I had two main adventures on my second day in Vegas, the first of which began at Big Lots and ended at Wal-Mart. I set out innocently that morning on a hunt for a few furnishings and other items. I programmed my GPS (god bless the GPS) to take me to Big Lots, and off I went. Big Lots is in a shopping center where every store name is in Chinese characters, the air smells like soy sauce, and the Asian Massage Parlor is across the street (my jaw may have actually dropped on that one). I went in (to Big Lots, not the massage parlor!!) and immediately remembered why I hate going there. Nothing is organized, if you want two of something god help you, and every creeper who lives in a 50 mile radius is there. I bought a curtain rod and got the hell out of there.

Stupidly, I set a new course for Wal-Mart. I had a lot to buy and I needed to get it cheaply… I was lured in by the rollbacks and the yellow smiley faces. I should have known better. I filled my cart quickly, and then spotted a desk I really wanted. However, the box for it was too heavy for me to lift, so I asked an employee to help me get it into the cart, which he did. At no point did it cross my mind that I’d have to get this monstrous thing into my car on my own. I made my way to a check out lane where the Slowest Cashier Who Ever Lived worked her way through the impatient customers in line. When it was my turn, I really had to resist the temptation to grab her little scanner and do it all myself. I love self-checkout lanes… there should be more of them.

After I got my receipt, I shoved it into one of the dozens of bags in my cart and headed out the door. When James the Wal-Mart Greeter saw me leaving with a big box (the desk) in my cart, he made a beeline for me, demanding to see my receipt. Of course I had no idea where it was. He made me search through most of the bags and empty my purse (all the while people are staring at me, thinking I’ve stolen something) before finally declaring: “I guess you can go” with an evil gleam in his eyes and a sneer on his lips. Thanks, Power Tripping Wal-Mart Greeter Man. You suck.

I wheeled my way out to the car and quickly realized that there was no way I was going to get the desk monstrosity into my car. There was also no way I was walking back in past the Evil Wal-Mart Greeter Man to ask for help. I tried many times to get it in myself–I nearly knocked the cart over three or four times. In desperation, I finally asked a man walking by for assistance. I decided that the risk of robbery or kidnapping was worth it to not have to go back into that horrible, horrible store. The man was pleasant and deposited the box in my trunk and was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to get it out once I got home. I reassured him that I had someone at home to help me, then he took my cart for me and wished me a nice day.

Thank you, Random Wal-Mart Parking Lot Man.

I have no problem with Wal-Mart’s products and prices–that’s why I get suckered into going in. I have a problem with the atmosphere of the store. I’ll leave it at that.

Adventure #2: A Douchebag at the Rio and a Guy with a Haircut

After dinner that same day, Alex and I set off for the Rio to see some of the World Series of Poker. We went last year, too, and I believe Alex has gone for four or five years. We walked through the room, looking for poker players we’d recognize. I spotted Phil Ivey and we watched him play for a while–well, Alex watched him play, I watched all the crazy looking people walking around. We also saw Chris Ferguson and Alex pointed out a few players he recognized but that I’d never heard of. When we were leaving, we were walking down a big open aisle between two table playing areas. There were no players at the tables, but the dealers were there. A dealer on one side of the aisle was having a conversation with a dealer on the other side of the aisle. The aisle was very wide, so they had to shout:

Dealer 1: Hey man, you going to that fight tonight?

Dealer 2: I’m going to call for tickets.

Dealer 1: Last fight a friend of mine bought some scalped tickets for like $150.

Dealer 2: That’s awesome.

Dealer 1: Hey man you get your hair cut?

Dealer 2: Yeah, I got it cut.

Dealer 1: Where at, man? It looks good.

Dealer 2: Great Clips.

This was my favorite thing that has happened so far in Vegas. Two poker dealers at the World Series of Poker shouting a very important conversation about a Great Clips haircut.

After we walked out of the poker room, we headed for the casino floor so I could play Wheel of Fortune just once. I love that game. As we were headed for it, poker star Phil Helmuth was walking toward us. This guy is a d-bag, and as we passed him, I told him so, loud enough for him to hear (sorry mom, but he’s really not a nice guy). Alex was proud of me.

After that, we sat right down at Wheel of Fortune, where I won $70 with one spin, then we cashed out and walked out like we owned the place.